i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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