I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
