stop calling my apartment porn island.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
