my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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