The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
