1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
