i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
