He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
