Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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