I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
