dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
