I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
two words...techno handjob
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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