One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.