btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2