Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The feeling are messing with the penis
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
