I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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