here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
