why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
