the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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