if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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