John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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