who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
