I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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