just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
