After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
