In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
