I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
