I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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