The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
