Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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