I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
