Will you blow on my dice?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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