I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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