Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
