if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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