I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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