Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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