I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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