Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Someone came in the potted fern
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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