You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
