saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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