yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I checked into jail on foursquare
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
