also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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