i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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