I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
