I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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