Sober January is a disaster.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i believe in u and ur pee
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
