Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
