My underwear smells like fireworks.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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