Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
