I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
