I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
