I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
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My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
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I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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