Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
