she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
