My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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