mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
