When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You made out with two different species that night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
