im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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