a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
