I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
