I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
